Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did...
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No" .. I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jump ed up, ya nked down his pants, bent ove r, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak!!!!!
Monday, December 24, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Happy Holidays
I’m sure you are familiar with the children’s poem, “’Twas the Night before Christmas.” I remember as a child the vivid images that accompanied the poem in my head whenever I heard it. I could just feel the stillness of the night as “…not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.” I could hear the clamor and clatter as St. Nick brought his “miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer” to rest upon the roof top.
Christmas has a lot of special fond memories for most of us. I pray we all enjoy the season, but mostly that we remember the real reason for the season.
The most important thing that we all need to remember during this Christmas season is that God loves us all and sent His only Son to show us the was back to Him. But more then just to show us the way, Jesus BECAME the Way.
********************
The Night Jesus Came
Twas the night Jesus came and all through the house, not a person was praying, not one in the house.
The Bible was left on the shelf without a care, for no one thought Jesus would come there.
The children were dressing to crawl into bed, not once ever kneeling or bowing their head.
And mom in the rocking chair with babe on her lap was watching the Late Show as I took a nap.
When out of the East there arose such a clatter, I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and lifted the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but Angels proclaiming that Jesus was here.
The light of His face made me cover my head. Was Jesus returning just like He’d said?
And though I possessed worldly wisdom and wealth, I cried when I saw him in spite of myself.
In the book of Life that he held in his hand, was written the name of every saved man.
He spoke not a word as he searched for my name, when He said, “it’s not here” my head hung in shame.
The people whose names had been written with love, He gathered to take to his Father above.
With those who were ready He rose without a sound, while all of the others were left standings around.
I fell to my knees but it was too late, I’d waited too long and thus sealed my fate.
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear the coming of Jesus is drawing near.
There’s only one life and when comes the last call, we’ll find out that the Bible was true after all.
This time of year is more than a season it’s actually a time that’s driven by a reason.
The true gift was given and delivered for free, not under but on an old ragged tree.
So may this time for you be filled will joy as you worship and wonder about the precious baby boy.
For missing the meaning and blessings of this season there’s only excuses never a good reason!
**************
Christmas has a lot of special fond memories for most of us. I pray we all enjoy the season, but mostly that we remember the real reason for the season.
The most important thing that we all need to remember during this Christmas season is that God loves us all and sent His only Son to show us the was back to Him. But more then just to show us the way, Jesus BECAME the Way.
********************
The Night Jesus Came
Twas the night Jesus came and all through the house, not a person was praying, not one in the house.
The Bible was left on the shelf without a care, for no one thought Jesus would come there.
The children were dressing to crawl into bed, not once ever kneeling or bowing their head.
And mom in the rocking chair with babe on her lap was watching the Late Show as I took a nap.
When out of the East there arose such a clatter, I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and lifted the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but Angels proclaiming that Jesus was here.
The light of His face made me cover my head. Was Jesus returning just like He’d said?
And though I possessed worldly wisdom and wealth, I cried when I saw him in spite of myself.
In the book of Life that he held in his hand, was written the name of every saved man.
He spoke not a word as he searched for my name, when He said, “it’s not here” my head hung in shame.
The people whose names had been written with love, He gathered to take to his Father above.
With those who were ready He rose without a sound, while all of the others were left standings around.
I fell to my knees but it was too late, I’d waited too long and thus sealed my fate.
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear the coming of Jesus is drawing near.
There’s only one life and when comes the last call, we’ll find out that the Bible was true after all.
This time of year is more than a season it’s actually a time that’s driven by a reason.
The true gift was given and delivered for free, not under but on an old ragged tree.
So may this time for you be filled will joy as you worship and wonder about the precious baby boy.
For missing the meaning and blessings of this season there’s only excuses never a good reason!
**************
The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.
The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything.
Love and peace be with you forever.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Because you're my friend!
Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy
"friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship! 
1. When you are sad,
...I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard 
who made you sad 2. When you are blue,
...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 
3. When you smile,
...I'll know you finally got laid. 
4. When you are scared,
...I will rag 
you about it every chance I get.5. When you are worried,
...I will tell you horrible stories 
about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.6. When you are confused,
...I will use little words to explain. 7. When you are sick,
........stay away from me until you're well again. 
I don't want whatever you have.8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh
at your clumsy 
ass.This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask?
Monday, December 10, 2007
My Dad as Grandpa Joe
This is my Dad.
CLICK THE PIC FOR THE COMPLETE STORY
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Mina is my daughter and my brother, her Uncle, took her out one evening for a special treat. My dad has been the paino-player for the local highschool he works at as well as the local collage theater department for years. I myself, have been to many a rehersals as well at the actual performaces. And let me just say that he is AWSOME. LOL! And so when my daughter Mina got to go to the 'Willy Wonka' show, I knew she would have a great time.
My dad emailed about a week ago with the result of Minas evening out with her Uncle Jeff.
This is what he said.
"Mina came to the show Monday night and I had Jeff bring her to me at the intermission to give her something special. Charlie unwraps a Wonka bar in the first act that doesn't have the Golden Ticket and I sing to him Cheer Up, Charlie. I took Mina the candy bar he unwrapped, which no one else gets. Quite a souvenir. She ate it. Oh well, the kids was hungry I guess, and she did keep the wrapper.
This show is the world premiere of the musical that was written in 1970 but never performed. They made the movie instead but because Gene Wilder, a non-singer, was cast as Willy, they never used most of the music. Dave has been writing to the Dahls for five years trying to get permission to do it and finally Tim McDonald wrote the script for a little two-act traveling show with about eight performers in multiple rolls which he sent us and we rewrote for a cast of 85.
The Willy Wonka show has taken on a life of its own. Dave, the director here, has always done great shows. He is the one I worked with at the Grove Theatre who brought me to Chaffey HS thirteen years ago. You saw all his shows there, remember? He has occasionally had me work as music director for his shows here at Chaffey and I prepared the cast and chorus on the music this time as well. He asked me to do West Side Story six years ago in the part of Doc, which was interesting for me since I don't usually do stage rolls. Last summer he told me not to cut my hair until Christmas, which was his way of asking me to play Grandpa Joe in Wonka. It is long enough now that I could have a pony tail and I will cut it when the who closes. He has always done great shows here and his cast is always the top talent in the area and far from a typical high school production.
USA Today magazine chose Chaffey as the best high school musical in the country for 2007 and that brought more attention to us.
Well, this show has just had a phenomenal response. We perform in the Gardiner W. Spring Auditorium, which seats 2200 people. Most high school won't have a total audience of more than a thousand people in two weeks of performing. We actually sold out our last show on Monday and turned away a couple of hundred people. We are extending it another week and expect a total audience of over 15,000. Not bad for high school. Roald Dahl's widow (the author) is flying from London to see the show Saturday and Sunday and Leslie Bricuss, who wrote the music with Anthony Newley (who is now dead) is also coming in this weekend. We have heard rumors of other celebrities coming in, including our Governator Arnold, who visited us two years ago because of our incredible performance academically in raising our API scores. I got to meet with him in a small session of a dozen selected teachers and was the only one who actually talked with him. Do you know I am actually a half inch taller than Arnold? Surprising. Any, all these famous people are now rumored to attend the next weekend's shows but I will let you know if any of them actually show up.
We have had film crews from the local KTLA Ch 5 and CNN filming us and last night did a special show with no audience just for a video crew for the DVD. The CNN feature will air later and the KTLA one was a few weeks ago.
I'll send you some pics when I have them. I get to fly on a wire for the first time and that has been interesting. I am still waiting for the surgery on my shoulder so Dave won't let me do the somersaults Charlie does and I use a double-wire crotch harness instead of a single-wire back harness which would put more pressure on my shoulder. I have actually used three different harnesses so far. The funniest night was when the crew had trouble getting the harness on before my cue and I nearly went up in the air with pants around my ankles. I have to drop my trousers for the guys to get at the harness, which is under my pants. That would have been interesting. We actually flew me one night behind a scrim with my pants down just to see if I could do it in case it actually happened again. Yes, I can fly with my butt flapping in the breeze, but it's not a pretty sight."
This show is the world premiere of the musical that was written in 1970 but never performed. They made the movie instead but because Gene Wilder, a non-singer, was cast as Willy, they never used most of the music. Dave has been writing to the Dahls for five years trying to get permission to do it and finally Tim McDonald wrote the script for a little two-act traveling show with about eight performers in multiple rolls which he sent us and we rewrote for a cast of 85.
The Willy Wonka show has taken on a life of its own. Dave, the director here, has always done great shows. He is the one I worked with at the Grove Theatre who brought me to Chaffey HS thirteen years ago. You saw all his shows there, remember? He has occasionally had me work as music director for his shows here at Chaffey and I prepared the cast and chorus on the music this time as well. He asked me to do West Side Story six years ago in the part of Doc, which was interesting for me since I don't usually do stage rolls. Last summer he told me not to cut my hair until Christmas, which was his way of asking me to play Grandpa Joe in Wonka. It is long enough now that I could have a pony tail and I will cut it when the who closes. He has always done great shows here and his cast is always the top talent in the area and far from a typical high school production.
USA Today magazine chose Chaffey as the best high school musical in the country for 2007 and that brought more attention to us.
Well, this show has just had a phenomenal response. We perform in the Gardiner W. Spring Auditorium, which seats 2200 people. Most high school won't have a total audience of more than a thousand people in two weeks of performing. We actually sold out our last show on Monday and turned away a couple of hundred people. We are extending it another week and expect a total audience of over 15,000. Not bad for high school. Roald Dahl's widow (the author) is flying from London to see the show Saturday and Sunday and Leslie Bricuss, who wrote the music with Anthony Newley (who is now dead) is also coming in this weekend. We have heard rumors of other celebrities coming in, including our Governator Arnold, who visited us two years ago because of our incredible performance academically in raising our API scores. I got to meet with him in a small session of a dozen selected teachers and was the only one who actually talked with him. Do you know I am actually a half inch taller than Arnold? Surprising. Any, all these famous people are now rumored to attend the next weekend's shows but I will let you know if any of them actually show up.
We have had film crews from the local KTLA Ch 5 and CNN filming us and last night did a special show with no audience just for a video crew for the DVD. The CNN feature will air later and the KTLA one was a few weeks ago.
I'll send you some pics when I have them. I get to fly on a wire for the first time and that has been interesting. I am still waiting for the surgery on my shoulder so Dave won't let me do the somersaults Charlie does and I use a double-wire crotch harness instead of a single-wire back harness which would put more pressure on my shoulder. I have actually used three different harnesses so far. The funniest night was when the crew had trouble getting the harness on before my cue and I nearly went up in the air with pants around my ankles. I have to drop my trousers for the guys to get at the harness, which is under my pants. That would have been interesting. We actually flew me one night behind a scrim with my pants down just to see if I could do it in case it actually happened again. Yes, I can fly with my butt flapping in the breeze, but it's not a pretty sight."
I just wanted to share with the rest of the world a small part of what my Dad does with his local highschool and collage and to let him know how proud I am of his accomplishments. I loved to watch him perform and now that time has actually caught up with him, I know that it wouldnt be too much longer before he wont be able to do what he so very much loves doing. And when ever that day comes, I will draw on the memories of all the performences he has ever done. Encluding back when he was pianist for my highschool choir not only all four years of highschool, but a few years before I went into highschool.
I'm proud of you Dad and, I hope you dont mind, but.....
LONG LIVE BRUCE JONES!!!!
Monday, December 3, 2007
Our World as we know it
This is MY story.
I wrote this to answer my husbands challage. He said why is it that I write short stories from someone elses idea. I gave it alot of thought, and finally wrote this. I knew I needed to write something that would capture and hold his attention, and when I asked him to read this first part, he really liked it.
So, this story is dedicated to my husband.
Our World as we know it
Prologue
My name is Phoenix: just Phoenix, no last name. I work for a special branch of the government; but as far as you’re concerned I do not exist. I have no birth certificate, no social security number, no bank account, and I’m sure my driver’s license and badge is just for show. Not that it matters, by the time you’ve noticed, I’ve disappeared or you’re dead.
The branch of the government I work for has no name. I don’t know how many of us there are, no one does. Personally, I only know six: My half-brother Lasako and his partner Serena, my best friend Logan and his partner Mina, my ex-partner Cassandra, and the girl who I am meeting today as my new partner Darigan. Some guy runs the whole operation in a dark corner of the Whitehouse, but even he doesn’t know us all.
Our branch investigates unnatural deaths. No, you will never hear about us on the news or in the papers. And no, it has nothing to do with aliens. We investigate the things you only hear whispered in shadows. The things you call urban legends. The stories you are told really happened to a friend of a friend of a friend’s mother’s father’s sister’s niece’s uncle’s friend’s brother’s aunt’s nephew. Stories so far fetched you roll your eyes.
We are well paid for our services. By ‘well’ I mean that anyone of us could retire after only a few years of service and live comfortably for the rest of our lives. The Company, as it is affectionately called, pays us weekly in unmarked, non-consecutively numbered bills, none larger then a 50. They also provide us cars, a lot of cars, and medical supplies. They have to. We don’t exists, so therefore cannot get insurance and cannot go to a hospital when we get hurt, and trust me we do get hurt. A lot. Every set of partners lives and works out of a fully furnished apartment; level of life style depends on your record. The better your record, the better you live. Darigan and I will be sharing a penthouse on Front Street, the best neighborhood in town. Darigan is a rookie and will be living off my record, just like Cassandra did. I hope Darigan works out better.
Don’t get me wrong, Cassandra was good at her job, she was just a psycho. She always got the job done; she just didn’t care who, what, or how many died in the process. The last job we worked together she had me laid up for a week because she just had to use her powers. Damn nearly killed me.
Yeah, I said powers. Cassandra, Logan, Darigan, and Serena all have holy powers. Lasako is a demon and I, myself, am a half-demon. The Company is full of people like us. Very few are regular humans. Mina is the only exception I know. Now don’t think you can spot us by appearance. I don’t have bat wings growing from my back or anything. Yes, I have claws and fangs, but I look human…enough. It’s the demons that don’t look human you have to watch out for. So why would a demon work with someone with holy power? Simple, they tell me to. It really is a good arrangement. One partner is the physical strength, while the other can dispel dark magic.
Don’t think we do all this bare handed; we can, but normally don’t. Lasako and I favor the sword, Logan the staff, Cassandra the bow, and Mina uses a giant boomerang. No one uses guns. Guns don’t work on demons, and they can be traced.Darigan will be here soon; I can hear her coming up the stairs. It has to be her, no one else comes this high up the building and I can hear her luggage dragging. I had better go.
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